Recommended Tests

          
     Ugliest Dog In The World

      

       Cheating  Husband       



       Surprise! Surprise!        

I really think that that would improve my focus.

De-Pantsed

I let most of my Navy pay ride on the books for the two years I was on a destroyer, and when I got out in 1966, I bought the car of my dreams-a '56 Ford Thunderbird. After totaling it on a wet road, I bought a partially complete fiberglass '27 Model-T body that had sat in front of Blair's Speed Shop in Pasadena, California, for months.

When you're a kid, items like the headlights, windshield, parking brake, and muffler are considered eccentricities since they don't help the car go any faster, and the sheriff's office was extremely instrumental in helping me finish the roadster. When they wrote me up for not having a windshield, I had to put one on. When I put the windshield on, they wrote me up for no wipers, and on it went.

One day some gearheads pulled into the station and wanted to hear the roadster run. I proudly reached over and twisted the key, not noticing the car was in gear. I had not yet been written up for not having a parking brake, so the car fired immediately, and the fenderless rear wheel slammed me down on the pavement and ran me over. The rear traction bar caught my belt loop and we were peeling out, but it was me doing the peeling as the roadster dragged me across the asphalt.

My pants eventually tore loose and I got up to chase the car across the busy street with my pants falling down. I stopped to pull them up, caught up with the roadster, and dived over the rear deck to twist off the key. I turned around to see 20 spectators laughing their asses off, took my bows, and collapsed waiting for the ambulance.

Ron Brault
29 Palms, CA

Smoke Test

One night I went to my friend's house to see what he was up to. He was working on his truck, trying to find a short in the headlights. Every time he turned on the lights, it blew a fuse. I told him I had a test light at home, but he said he had a quicker way. I watched as he took a blown fuse, wrapped it in tin foil, and put it back in the fuse block. He pulled the headlight switch, and after the smoke cleared, we found the shorted wire all melted. "See, all we have to do is replace this one wire," he said proudly.

                   Useless Information For The Consumer                                          


                                           " How  About  That  PIG "

1.   If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough
     sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.      (Hardly seems worth it.)
2.   If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create
      the energy of an atomic bomb           (Now that's more like it!)
3.   The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
      blood 30 feet.            (O.M.G.!)
4.   A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.          (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
5.   A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
                       (Creepy.)         (I'm still not over the pig.)
6.   Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
                    (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
7.   The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
      The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off !
                     ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
8.   The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length
      of a football field.                     (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
9.   The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.     (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
10.  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.   (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
11.  Butterflies taste with their feet.                  (Something I always wanted to know.)
12.  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.                (Hmmmmmm........)
13.  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
                       (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
14.  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.          (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
15.  A cat's urine glows under a black light                (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
16.  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain                (I know some people like that.)
17.  Starfish have no brains.                         (I know some people like that too.)
18.  Polar bears are left-handed.                  (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer?)
19.  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
                                   (What about that pig??)
                  Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
             the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to
                  (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone
                                                     

                           "SAD  BUT  TRUE"   
                              So sad---it has come to this!!!!!
 
 
 
                     Subject:* This  would be funny if it wasn't so
                                    true!!
 
 
 
 
Recently, I was  diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  This
is how it manifests:
 
I decide to water my garden.
 
As I  turn on the hose in the driveway, I look
over at my car and decide my car  needs washing.
 
As I start toward the garage, I notice that
there is  mail on the porch table that I brought
up from the mail box earlier.
 
I  decide to go through the mail before I wash
the car.
 
I lay my car keys  down on the table, put the
junk mail in the garbage can under the  table,
and notice that the can is full.
 
So, I decide to put the bills  back on the table
and take out the garbage first.
 
But then I think,  since I'm going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,  I
may as well pay the bills first.
 
I take my check book off the table,  and see that
there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are
in my desk in  the study, so I go inside the
house to my desk where I find the can of  Coke
that I had been drinking.
 
I'm going to look for my checks, but  first I
need to push the Coke aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it  over. I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it  in
the refrigerator to keep it cold.
 
As I head toward the kitchen with  the Coke, a
vase of flowers on the counter catches my
eye--they need to be  watered.
 
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I
discover my reading  glasses that I've been
searching for all morning.
 
I decide I better  put them back on my desk, but
first I'm going to water the flowers.
 
I  set the glasses back down on the counter, fill
a container with water and  suddenly I spot the
TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
 
I  realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I
will be looking for the  remote, but I won't
remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide  to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the  flowers.
 
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a
bit of it  spills on the floor. So, I set the
remote back down on the table, get some  towels
and wipe up the spill.
 
Then, I head down the hall trying to  remember
what I was planning to do.
 
At the end of the  day:
 
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there  is a warm can of Coke sitting on the
counter,
----the flowers don't have  enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I  can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't  remember what I did with the car
keys.
 
Then, when I try to figure out  why nothing got
done today, I'm really baffled because I know I
was busy  all day long, and I'm really tired.
 
I realize this is a serious problem,  and I'll
try to get some help for it, but first I'll
check my  e-mail.
 
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to
everyone you  know, because I don't remember to
whom it has been sent.
 
Don't laugh  -- if this isn't you yet, your day
is coming!!
 
GROWING OLDER IS  MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS
OPTIONAL. LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS  THERAPEUTIC.
 
 
 
*P. S. I just remembered, I LEFT THE WATER  RUNNING
* *IN THE  DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!!