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                               Osama goes to Heave

> When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
>
> He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to
   destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
>
> Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You
   wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
>
> Jame Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I
> allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
>
> Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled,
   "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of  Independence."
>
> The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe
   and 64 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
>
> As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept
   and said, "This is not what you promised me."
>
>
>    The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 70 Virginians
      waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?" 

                                               

  At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
> the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned
> to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you
> do with the candle drippings?"  "Good question," noted the Rabbi.
> "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now
> and then they send us a free box of candles."
>
>
>    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
> unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his
> obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do
> with the crumbs?"
>
>
>    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was
> trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and
> send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a
> free box of matzo balls."
>
>
>    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
> fluster the know-it-all rabbi. Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you
> do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
>
>
>    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
> is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about
> once a year they send us a complete di*k."

that last one looked like it hurt
(not that some of the others didn't...)

This can be fun, frustrating or quite funny if you let it get the best of you.
click here

tommie - thats why I passed it on - tired of being wore out by myself.

                            RETIREMENT                  

Dear Mrs. Gutierrez

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble
your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been
compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown, President and CEO of Wal Mart Complaint Department.

MEMO Re: Mr. C. Gutierrez - things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his
spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry
and asks, ?Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

It's heck when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!

Motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I wish I had that much imagination !!!!

Yeah, those were pretty good, might have to try out a few myself. 

Maybe that keep the wife from bringing me there with her. 

     What do you get when you cross a Donkey and an Onion