Recommended Tests

Yep !!  It'll happen every time.   

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...
what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

PERFECT

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should ! tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided  she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, and new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then they began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband, Harry, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Harry."

 

                                                            Black Hurricanes
             
             
            Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.   A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
             
            She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture  such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.   I am NOT making this up!
             
            She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the  problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
             
            I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand
             
            I can hear it now:   A weatherman in New Orleans says...
             
            Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
            Bitch be a category fo' ! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren,  leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE S#!t!

Here you go!
http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/hurricane.asp

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and  hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the  closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.                   
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'                   
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'                   
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'                   
Man: 'That's nice'                   
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'                   
Man: 'No, thanks.'                   
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'                   
Man: 'OK, how much?'                   
Boy: '$250'                   

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the  lover are in the closet together.                   

Boy: 'Dark in here.'                   
Man: 'Yes, it is.'                   
Boy: I have a baseball glove.'                   
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How  much?'

Boy: '$750'                   
Man: 'Sold.'                   

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove,  let's go outside and have a game of catch.'   The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove.'   The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'                   
Boy: '$1,000'                   
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends  like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.
 
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in  the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that S#!t again; you're in my closet now.