Recommended Tests

ROFLMAO 

   
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .. 
 
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Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?  Yes!

                          

Sunday School
 
  I was testing the children in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
 
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money
to the church,
 Would that get me into Heaven?'
 
 'NO!' the children answered.
 
'If I cleaned the church every day,mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy,would that get me into Heaven?'
 
              
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile.
 
Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my husband,
would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.    

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
 
I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out,
 
'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'

                 

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
 Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table.
Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
 She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said.
'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
 Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes then said.
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!
' Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.
'Herman, remember that blo-job l promised you?'
'Here it comes....'

 Sounds like my wife. 

Yeah poor herman. I guess that blow job was to die for after all.   

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:   

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
 
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.