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     Reassuringly Masculine   


A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from
between your t*ts", he says.

"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my
husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The
Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of
your a**e and lick it all off", he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!", she storms.

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One last chance", says the barmaid. "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your p*$$y
with Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs
to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?", he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t*ts
and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?", storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between the cheeks of my
ar*e and then lick it off", she screams.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my p*$$y with
Stella and then drink it all", she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and
switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?", she cries hysterically.

"Sorry love, but I'm definitely not messing with someone who can
Drink 15 pints of Stella".

               

                          

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home,
he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally
returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and
stayed on it.
 
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?".....
 
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and
  said, "That would suit me just fine!!"
 
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
 
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
 
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

                          

The bottle of Merlot:

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a
nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was
lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it
to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana There is over twenty million dollars in
my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three
inches. Just send the bottle back.

 

                            

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It ta kes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

                           

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him.  She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place
where he knows her from.  So he says,  'Do you know me?'  To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's kindergarten teacher.'

                          

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it forsupport, stuttering she asks the sales clerk:
'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llooong a a and aabbout twoo inchess ththiick... aaand rruns on bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks:
' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooff aa bbitch offffff?'