Recommended Tests

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
 
They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely  Walker .
 
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
 
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
 
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
 
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
 
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
 
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
 
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
 
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
 
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
 
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
 
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
 
Abba--- Denture Queen.
 
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
 
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
 
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
 
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

I like them all. 

That was great! 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
will have $49.00 today.

 If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.

 If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
will have $0.00 today.

 But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have
received a $214.00.

 Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
THIS IS MY LATEST INVESTMENT PLAN!   

Those were alll good.

These aren't intended to be racial, but my ex-wife is Mexican and her family has done at least 13 of these. 

Top 15 ways to tell it's a MEXICAN birthday party


1. Some of the guests didn't bring a gift - but brought extra
uninvited kids.

2. The party is separated into women cooking, men drinking, and kids
playing.

3. The party is at Chuck E. Cheese but they brought their own food,
cake and a Piñata.

4. It's a child's party, but there are more grown ups than children.

5. It's Mijo's 1st birthday and the party food is carne asada,
arroz, frijoles and 10 cases of beer.

6. For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the
donkey, there is usually televised baseball, a futbol game, or a live fight.

7. The party was supposed to be over at 5 PM, but its 7:30 PM and the
party is just starting.

8. The host calls someone who's on their way and tells them to stop
and get some tortillas and ice.

9. You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say,
"Mira, que lindo. I'm going to have to get you
something next week when I get paid."

10. The party is Saturday, and you get a call from the hostess
Friday saying,"I'm giving Mijo a birthday party
tomorrow at 3PM"

11. Some guests bring gifts that are still in the Wal-Mart bag.

12. The cake didn't come from the store; it came from the
mother of the comadre of your best friend's sister who
makes really good cakes.

13. You are told you have to save your plate and fork you ate your
food with,so you can eat your cake.

14. Guests automatically wrap up a plate of food and cake to take
home.

15. It's Mijo's birthday, but since his cousin Maria is there
and her birthday is in a few days, it becomes Mijo's
and Maria's party.

Thats not just mexican, other than the drinking, my wifes family hit most of those too.