Justifiable Homicide.   
 


A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it ....andfound a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday   

This is a TRUE story...

My nephew and I were coloring at my parents' kitchen table on Thanksgiving.  My mom had just started the oven and my dad was tinkering in the cellar...when all of a sudden I smelled something.  I looked at my nephew and asked, "What is that smell?".  He looked up from his coloring and very nonchalantly proclaimed, "Oh, my balls stink".  I looked at him, aghast, and asked, "What did you just say?".  He rolled his eyes, impatiently, as if he was put out at having to repeat himself and proclaimed, louder, "I SAID my balls stink!".   I was so shocked and reprimanded him with all the distain I could muster, "You can't say that", I said sternly, "you just can't!".  He defensively responded, "Why not, I told Gramma the balls to my jacks set rolled under the stove and SHE started the oven anyway!"

The Amish Hand Warmer

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Two guys work in a factory,  the one is always late, ( the white guy), BTW i could be black.The black guy says why are you always late ? The white guy says , well, I get la*d every morning! Obviosly , the black guy says , how do you manage this ? Well, replys the white guy, I tell her poetry, then the question if what the hell kind of poetry do you tell her to get her to give it up?So he tells him ( Blonde beuty blonde beuty, W/ the big blue eyes, roll over on your back and let me carress your thighs, and she warms up to him!!! So the black guy assujmes the rest is up to him !  This was monday his partner told him how to fornicate regularly!                           Thursday the black dude strolls in..... all beat to sh*t, tore up lip, ..............goose egg on his skull,...........limpin' just messed up. Obviously the white dude asks him what the S#!t happened, So the  black dude says Fu*k off asshole, I'm not takin no more of your advice. Dying for his best friend to tell him what occured, he finally sqeezes the truth from the man @ the end of the day. So what happend? Well I tried to get me some , W you poetry, and said Black b*tch..black b*tch, W eyes like a frog , get over on your knees and let me do-ya like a dog!

                            Sorry , no offense but my third wife was black and she told me more jokes like that than I can remember, thats just one of my favorite 

NEW WORDS FOR 2006 :

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!


1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing
    why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a
    lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to
    absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than
    working hard.

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day
    swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops
    something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the
    walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer
    to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive
    Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them
    stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being
    stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been
      rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free
      photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles
      that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
     The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson,
     another...

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking
      the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers
      beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
      adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the
      problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
      Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could
      not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that
      are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints,
      strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in
      which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after
      hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

EWO  Good one I like that.
Have any more?

Decent edit... but the fur and feathers don't line up and the color is a bit off too

Little Old Lady in court......
 
Defense Attorney:  Will you please state your age?
 
 
 
Little Old Lady:  I am 86 years old.
 
Defense Attorney:  Will you tell us, in your own
words, what happened the night of April 1st?
 
 
Little Old Lady:  There I was, sitting there in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when
a young man comes creeping up on the porch and ! sat
down beside me.
 
 
Defense Attorney:  Did you know him?
 
Little Old Lady:  No, but he sure was friendly.
 
Defense Attorney:  What happened after he sat down?
 
Little Old Lady:  He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney:  Did you stop him?
 
Little Old Lady:  No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:  Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:  It felt good. Nobody had don! e that
since my Abler died some 30 years ago.
 
Defense Attorney:  What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:  He began to rub my breasts.
 
Defense Attorney:  Did you stop him then?
 
 
Little Old Lady:  No, I did not stop him.
 
 
Defense Attorney:  Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:  His rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
 
Defense Attorney:  What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:  Well, by then, I was feeling really
"spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me,
young man. Take me!"
 
 
Defense Attorney:  Did he take you?
 
Little Old Lady:  Hell, no! He just yelled, "April
Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!



This is a new drug dog they are trying out.  They say he can smell dope 50 yards away.