This is from a friend of mine.

http://members.shaw.ca/mickee/blog_images/big_one/daddy_cut_the_big_one.htm

Make sure that you have your volume turned on.

That one has more truth than anything I've read for quite some time....

Happy Farmer

Adult Riddles

 
Adult riddles
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.       
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Do you know how Montana cowboys practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 5 minutes.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. breasts don't have eyes.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch   

Want To Be A Firefighter
  A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

 The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

 "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

 "Thanks", the girl says.

 The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

 "Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

 The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

ENJOY!
WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

Th e blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I
can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet
Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment
Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down
your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a
baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed.
Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black,
that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room,
you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have
to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come
over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a-- if you
threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English,
see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan
programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop,
trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms,
so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and
open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you
off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and
smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you
serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in
Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I
am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.
I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

THEN DON'T PASS THIS ON
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God.
Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust"
on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up
and BE QUIET!!!

If you agree, pass this on, if not delete. . I AGREE

Instructions on how to have rodeo sex!!!
Whisper her sisters name in her ear and try to hold on for 8 seconds.