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ALWAYS THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK?  READ ON........ Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater,Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg.  He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
 
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of  the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
 
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.  The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.  By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the, whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.   Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.   The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.  Time passed ----------------  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world -------  About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.

        
A salesman drove into a  small  town where a circus
was playing. A sign
read:
  "Don't Miss  The  Amazing Italian". The salesman
bought a ticket and  sat
down.
 
There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring,  was  a
table with three
walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an  old
Italian.
 
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants,  whipped out
his huge male member
and smashed all the walnuts with  three  mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in
applause and the elderly  Italian was  carried off on
their shoulders.
 
Fifteen years  later the  salesman visited the same
little town, found the
same  circus and saw the  same faded sign that read,
"Don't Miss The Amazing
Italian". He  couldn't believe the old guy was still
alive, much less  still doing his  act! He bought a ticket.
 
Again, the centre  ring was  illuminated. This time,
however, instead of
walnuts, three  coconuts  were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before
them,then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the
coconuts with three swings
of  his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
 
Flabbergasted,  the  salesman requested a meeting with
him after the show.
"You're  incredible!! " he told the Italian, "but I
have to know  something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts.
Why the  switch  from walnuts to coconuts?"
 
"Well," said the Italian,  "My eyes  aren't what they
used to  be."
 

Your right EWO they must really have to much time on their hands. To do things like that.
That is a real funny. THANKS

 
Keep a bucket nearby - you may need it!!!!!
http://www.funsnap.com/1/bushgirl.swf

WHITE  HOUSE  EASTER  EGG  ROLL   

http://s70.photobucket.com/albums/i105/jamekwilson/VIDEO/?action=view&current=eggroll.flv
 

Gotta love that Dick Cheney

I would have to say that that was righteously funny as heck.   
Hope none of my daughters try that one.   
That would give me gray hairs, if I did not have any by then.  ;)

 
This is some good kid humor. Hope you enjoy.
 
 
CHILDREN AND RELIGION

    A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
    "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
    "How do you know that?"
    "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°

    After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

     "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

    "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?

    A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?

    A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.  "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
    "Why, God tells me."
    "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
o?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O??º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?


    A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
    Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º! ?O?º

    Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.  She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
    "The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
    Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"

    "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º           

    The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
    "No sir," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.  My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?

    A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
    A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
    One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?º°'°º?O,,,,O?º°'°º?O?

This is the best one.
    A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. >From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
    Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
    "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
    "Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
    "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
    Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"