Recommended Tests

Because you know me?

That thing was a picture I thought? Wasn't it?  

                          

       City Hall in a California city:

   "Next."

   "Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage
license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones." 
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." 
"Yes, we're brothers."

  "Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to
same gender couples?"

  "Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings.
That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course.  And we do
love each other. Besides, we don't have any other
prospects."

   "But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and
lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection
under the law. If you are not gay, you can get
married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry
a woman as I have.
But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want
to marry a woman.  I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to
discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license.

    "Next."

   "Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June
Johnson."
 
   "Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I
love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June,
June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert
loves June and me.
All of us getting married together is the only way
that we can express our sexual preferences in a
marital relationship."
 
   "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and
lesbian couples." 
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
 
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of
marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?" 
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line
somewhere."

   "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit
marriage to couples. The more
the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The
mayor says the constitution
guarantees equal protection under the law.
Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right.

Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?" 
"David Deets."

"And the other man?" 
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

   "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality,
so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can
file a joint income-tax return."

   "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a
mockery of marriage!!"

                            

Very realistically funny EWO, thanks. 

I think I'll have to pass, I've heard about your winters, or are they like he ones I experienced for 3 years in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania? 

I had to get out, not enough summer and too much winter for my taste. 

    THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY   

 Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

  Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 Variation Law 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 Law of Close Encounters[/u
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

 Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick

WHY YOU NEVER ASK A DRUNK A QUESTION

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right.  But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

OUCH and OUCH

That sounds more like common sense than a joke.